Smaller Body Bigger Life

Little Victories

2008-09-24T15:44:00.000-07:00

I am so completely happy right now for so many different reasons.
Reason #1 I have lost some more lbs. and decieded to try on some pairs of jeans that hadn't fit me for quite some time. I didn't think they would yet. Turns out they all fit and with some room to spare. No squats, no stretches, no muffin top. This thrilled me as it feels like real progress. I bought the jeans probably at least 4 or 5 years ago, so it is good to know I am back to where I was then. Still a lot to go but I need these little victories along the way to keep me pumped.

Reason #2 My family has decided to take a trip to Disneyworld for Christmas which I am already so excited about. As usual I played my family's resident travel agent and booked everything for us nd it is all set and ready to go. Anyone with any good DW tips please share. Hopefully I will have lost a bunch more by then. It will be me,my mom, my brother and his girlfriend. Should be fun if my brother and I can manage to go 6 days without fighting. We had a bad habit of that but are getting better as I would hope we would considering he is 29 and I'm 27. haha.

So overall a good week. The band is slowly but surely helping me on my way to being a happier camper everyday!

Like a rolling stone.....

2008-09-02T09:48:00.000-07:00

Hooray! So I got my band tightened on friday after the last time of getting a bit removed back down to 4ccs. When he checked me friday he said I was actually at 3.9 and added another .25 to bring me up to about 4.2 ccs. I think this might be a great spot for me. I can definitely tell the difference with my eating less and I don't feel hungry, but it doesn't feel like any bite gets stuck like it did when I was at 4.5ccs. I am hoping this will be that "sweet spot" that so many banders like to refer to. since friday I have already lost a couple pounds.

Had a fun Labor day weekend with a getaway to San Diego, first on saturday I took my dad to the horse races for his birthday which was fun. I even wore a tank top all day which I ahven't done in a while becaus I ahte my arms, but go me. Then a group of friends from church came down to a condo my mom has in san deigo on sunday and monday and we had a fun time playing games and hanging out. It was nice to get out of town for a few days and just relax. I sprained my ankle and tore some ligaments last monday and it is slowly but surely getting a bit better but I will need to take it easy before this weekend. I have plans to go to a beach thing on saturday and hope to play some volleyball, even though I am tragically bad at it.

I am also hoping to see a cute boy that is supposed to be there. He made sure to tell me about it, so I hope that is a good sign. I need to find a cutey to have a crush on, as it is always more fun to have a crush on somebody and I haven't in a while.

Chugging along like a train

2008-08-20T13:35:00.001-07:00

SO probably haven't written in a while becaue my weight has not been changing much and I know I need to get my ass in gear. How much excercise have I been doing you ask? ummmmm none sounds close. I need to get on that so badly. I am just so busy that when I am not busy the last thing I want to do is excercise. I feel like I eat so much lesd than before but I know I eat the wrong foods alot. I am working on that. I am fat for a reason people and it isn't because eating right is easy for me.

As far as fills go, I had my first fill as previously mentioned which brought me to 3.4cc, then I had another one right away which brought me to about 4.5, which turned out to be too much and I could not eat anything without feeling like there was something stuck in my throat. Doc said I had too much so he took out .5 cc to bring me to an even 4 cc's. But it has been over a month now and I have barely lost anything so I think it is time to go back for a bit more. Perhaps .2ccs. It seems like that would not be much different but I am hoping it could eb the extra push I need.

It is definitely an adjustment to know I cannot eat as much as before. I find when I have people over for dinner or go somewhere where you fix your own plate I always end up putting my food on the plate like I used to with much more than I should ever be able to eat then end up throwing away or passing to somebody else the rest of my food. I am working on changin my whole mindset and after years of being overweight and eating like I was it is proving not to be as easy as I had dreamed. I now I can doit , with God's help and persistence so hopefully it will begin to pick up soon.

Fireworking

2008-06-30T13:13:00.000-07:00

OK, so those lbs I gained back are falling right back off again. Hooray. I have lost about 5 lbs since the band was tightened this last wednesday. 5 lbs in less than a week is amazing. A few more lbs and I will be less than I have been in quite a while. I can't wait. I scheduled an appointment to get tightened again on the 11th also. I think I want just a bit more as I can still eat too much I think. I will have to wait and see how my loss is between now and then. I doubt I will continue dropping how I have with the amount I am able to eat still, although that would be awesome. Yesterday I went to a baseball game with my Dad as part of his Father's day present and I will be so excited once I lose enogh weight to never think chairs in places like that are uncomfortable and poke me in my fatty hips.

I am excited for the 4th of July. Always been a big family holiday for me. I love some fireworks in my life. Now I just need to drop a few more of these lbs and find a hot boy to have some fireworks with.

Happy Independence Day to all!!!!!

Bad Bad Me

2008-06-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I got my first fill yesterday. I thought I was completely empty, but apparently I had 1.4 cc's and he added 2 more cc's so now I am up to 3.4cc's in a 10cc band. I am hoping this will be the beginning of more change.

Confessional Moment:
I have gained a few lbs (6 to be exact eeek) back since I started on regular food. I think i jinxed myself by saying they would be gone forever before. I have been able to pretty much eat anything since I have been able to eat solids so I am hoping this fill will help.

After my appt yesterday I went to the grocery store during my lunch break at work to get some healthier choices for my lunches. Hopefully that will help me also. I can definitely tell the difference in the band, but I think I still want more fill. I can still eat more than I want to be able to pretty easily. I had to eat slower and chew better, but I can still eat a good amount and I want to eat less than that. We will see what the scale does. I also need to start excercising. I have just been so mega busy all the time that on the days off I just want to lay around and watch tv. I need to move my ass.

Out of Surgery and Down 20

2008-05-19T14:54:00.000-07:00

Woohoo, so I am about a week out of surgery and I am down 20 lbs total from where I started before my pre-op diet. I am officially under 300 lbs and look foward to one day being under 200. The surgery went pretty well I am told. I only lost 5 drops of blood according to my doc and the surgery only took about 30 mins. This was my first surgery ever so anethesia was definitely interesting. So odd to go to sleep and feel like you have woken up 5 minutes later and the surgery is done. My surgery was scheduled for 10:30 and I had to be there at 8:30, but I probably didn't actually go into surgery until 11:30 or noon. I woke about from my anethesia at around 1:30 or 2pm, if I remember correctly.
They kept me in the hospital until about 9 at ngiht and then let me go home after I was able to walk around a bit and go pee. I was glad I got to sleep in my own bed. My sweet mom was with me the whole time in the hospital and then stayed with me at my house that night and the next day until about midnight taking care of me. I didn't have too much pain except one particular spot under my port area that burns and feels like its kind of pulling. It has gotten better everyday but I am still nursing it a bit. Basically I spent the whole week watching movies and tv. I can already tell a difference with the amount of liquid I can drink and how fast, so at least I know it is working. I was down 15 lbs form my pre-op diet on the day of surgery and have lost about another 5 this past week. I am also probably still swollen also.
Tomorrow I go in for my one week post-op appointment so hopefully everything is okay. The incisions all seem fine. My one dissappointment was that he used staples to close my incisions which was odd considering the other 2 people in my office who had the surgery with the same docs had glue used. It is not that they hurt, I would ahve just preferred glue for scaring purposes. I hope they don't leace much scaring also. Thare are very few but I was still bummed about it. I am going to ask him why at my appt tomorrow.

I am so excited that I am down 20 lbs that will be gone forever. I am so thrilled to begin this journey to the new healthy me.

Hip Hop Hooray

2008-05-07T08:38:00.000-07:00

Yay!!!!! I am down 10 lbs (double didgits baby) as of today and I still have today until next tuesday for my pre-op diet so I hope I lose even more!!! My surgery is less than a week away now. Next Tuesday morning will be here in no time. I am so excited. I pray that everything goes smoothly and that I will heal quickly. Not that I won't still take the rest of that week off because man am I excited to sleep in for a week. IT blows my mind to think form now on my weight loss will just keep increasing. I am determined to not go back up! Wow, first time in my life where I truly believe that will happen. Magical.

Peace Out Pounds

2008-05-05T12:03:00.000-07:00

So it is day 6 of my liquid diet and 9 lbs are gone forever. I love writing that word. Forever. I am committing to never gaining those back. This is the first time in my life where I feel like I can say forever and it actually could be true and should be unless something unforseen happens. I hope it will be to 10lbs lost by tomorrow, so that would be 10lbs in a week. I would be thrilled to lose 20 by the surgery on the 13th. We will see what happens. As part of my encouragement to myself I have made a list of the top 20 places I want to travel in no particular order. I hate flying because I feel claustrophobic in the seats because I am too fat and I sure can't afford to fly first to all these places yet in my life so I need to drop some lbs to ride more happily in coach. Also the less I weigh the more energy I will have for exploring all these wonderful places. Maybe I will even meet a hot boy with a cute accent to call my own. haha.

Top 20 Trips I Want To Take:

1. England
2. Ireland/Scotland
3. Italy/Greece
4. Australia
5. Switzerland
6. Germany
7. Japan/ China
8. Sweden/Norway/Finland/Denmark
9. Spain/ Portugal
10. Netherlands
11. Canada
12. Costa Rica
13. Argentina
14. Egypt
15. South Africa
16. The Caribbean
17. Washington DC/ Virginia/ Pennslyvania
18. Boston again for more than 1 1/2 days
19. Disney World again as an adult
20. France again where I can plan more of my trip as last time when I was 17 I stayed with my bff at her crazy uncle's house who controlled everything we did

I try to think of all the things I will have to look foward to when I lose the weight and it helps me stay on track.

If anyone has been to any of these places and wants to tell me what I should do there, please comment and let me know. Thanks!!

Diet Starts With The Word Die.

2008-04-30T08:31:00.000-07:00

So I started my pre-op diet yesterday! I am realizing how much this is mind over matter. It is not that I am hungry....at least not yet.....but my "fat girl" mind just wants to eat. Real food. But I will do this.

My diet consists of 3 protein shakes and 2 protein bars per day and I can eat other things like broth, sugar free posicles and jello, and drink sugar free kool-aid and crystal lite and that type of stuff. I am much more of a salt then sweet person, so my mouth starts to get sick of all the sweet flavors. Yesterday I only had 2 shakes,2 bars, some broth, some jello and some sugar free hawaiian punch and of course water. Honesty already couldn't stand the idea of anoher shake last night so I had a few baby carrots with some salt and pepper on them and just went to bed early. Another girl I work with had the surgery with the same doctors and they told her she could eat non-starchy veggies like carrots and lettuce. Apparently they have changed this since I started, but she did fine and they said her liver was tiny, so I figure it will be alright. My theory is that they just want to make you stick to their "box" of supplies that they made me buy for like $400 bucks. Interesting how the rules of what you have to eat changes when they start making their own brand of shakes. I smell people being money hungry, if you ask me. Their shake powder sucks too, so I am going to have to drink other ones or theri is no way I will make it.

Funny enough, even though I know it is all or mostly water weight, between yesterday morning and this morning my scale showed a 5 lb weight loss. I know its water weight but it still made me happy. I am really excited to see how much weight I will lose on the pre-op diet. That is the only thing that will get me through this I think. That and the fact that I have to do this or I won't be able to do my surgery. So although I have no false ideas that this will be easy to not eat for 2 weeks, I know with God's help and some willpower I can do it.

Rollercoaster of News

2008-04-04T09:06:00.000-07:00

So Many ups and downs and I ahven't even had the surgery yet.
So first yesterday morning I get a call from one of my pre-op doctors' offices saying that my EKG was abnormal and I will have to come in for some tests just to make sure everything is okay and I can be cleared for surgery. Boo. Bummed. Possibly I have a broken heart. I love how they call you and tell you that it was abnormal, yet say I can't come in until next thursday, so now I get to spend a week thinking every little thing that my body does is an indication that I have heart problems or something. It freaks me out but I have prayed about it and am feeling like everything will be fine.

Then shortly after the EKG call, I get a call from The New Program, telling me that I can in fact move up my surgery like I had wanted. So now it will be on May 13th instead of May 27th. Good for many reasons that are following.

1.Lets get this show on the road.

2.Before I was going in the day after Memorial Day, which meant my Memorial Day off would have been spnt getting ready for surgery the next day etc. and I wouldn't have been able to enjoy the beauty of a paid day off free from work and the wonder of a 3 day weekend.

3. Previously my surgery would have happened just a few short days before my birthday and I would have spent my birthay on a liquid diet and possibly in pain. For somebody who loves birthdays as much as me, that was a bummer. But now I will at least be to mushies (is birthday cake mushie?haha) by then and hopefully feeling back to normal from my surgery.

So now I just have to hope everything turns out fine with the abnormal EKG and that they clear me for my surgery. IT gets closer and closer and I am so ready.

UPDATE:
Had the appointment with my cardiologist and he said I should be fine and that the abnormal EKG didn't seem like anything to worry about! Praise God!

One Step Closer....

2008-03-31T14:11:00.000-07:00

So I finished my pre-op blood tests and my EKG and liver scan today. I was an unusually brave version of myself and watched him draw the blood. As I am literally barely past bringing my teddy bear with me to any appointment involving needles, this was a big step for me. Hopefully everything will come out fine and I will be ok'd to get my surgery. I cannot wait. Yay!!!!

Continuing My Veruca Salt-ness.....with things I want

2008-03-27T14:34:00.000-07:00

So, Inspired by Lap Band Talk, I am going to make a list of all the things I want to do after I lose weight. I have done these before, but this first time I actually am more happy of thinking about WHEN I AM going to do these things instead of IF I EVER WILL.

This will be a work in progress as I think of them. Feel free to comment on what you would do. I think it is great encouragement.

1. I love to travel, but hate flying because I am a fatty. I can't wait to travel all over and not be uncomfortable.

2. I want to go horseback riding again without being scared the ASPCA will come after me for animal abuse.

3. I want to shop wherever I want and fit in the clothes. Although I may go poor because I already shop way too much and I only fit in clothes at a few stores.

4.I want to always fit in every chair, theme park ride, airplane seat, etc and not have to squeeze my ass in and fit uncomfortably or not at all. I also never want to fear the possibility of a chair breaking.

5. I want to get married one day (which goes along with how I want to find the man of my dreams) and I want to wear whatever dress I want, not just one that would cover up my fat arms or one just because it fits.

6. I want to wear tank tops in public which i never do now because I don't like my chubby arms.

7. I want to not feel self conscious in a bathing suit and not skip out on things that require a bathing suit because I don't want to be embarassed.

8.I don't want to chaff between my thighs when I walk around a lot or for pants to wear down only between my thighs.

9. I want to never exceed the weight limit for anything unless it is for children.

10. I want to have kids and be able to keep up with them one day.

11. I want to wear dresses and like them on me.

12. I want to not think about how I hope no more of my friends will want me to be a bridesmaid because then we will have to find dresses that fit me instead of the one they would want.

14. I want my family to not worry about me.

15. I want be able to climb stairs and not feel like i'm going to die after 2 flights.

16. As previously mentioned I want to find the man of my dreams and get married and when I do, I want him to carry me over the treshold without getting a hernia and I want to be comfortable naked with the lights on.

17. I want to be the hot girl AND the funny girl.

18. I want to wear shorts and skirts and like it.

19. I want to not fear my scale or my doctors scale or those ridiculous ones in public places...it's like who weighs themselves in public?

20. I want to always fit in the robes at spas instead of feeling like my cash and prizes are going to show.

21. So I don't have to lie on things that sk you your wieght like my drivers license or toher paperwork.

22. So I can go on things in pools like floaty rafts and actually float.

23. So that I am not the fat girl in my group of friends.

24. So boys that I liked that didn't like me in that way, will regret it.

25. So that I won't have a fear of rejection for being fat and not be able to show my feelings back to guys who do/did like me.

26. So that I will never feel like somebody is out of my league.

27. So I can borrow clothes from my friends and vice versa.

28. So that a signifigant other won't wear a smaller size then me and I could borrow a shirt and not have it be small on me but big and loose.

29. I want to paint my toenails without having to look like I am a contortionist.

30. To be able to run away fast if somebody was ever chasing me.

31. To go skydiving and bungee jumping and not be over the weight limit. Apparently even the sky has a weight limit. haha.

32. To go to the gym and not have people underestimate me.

33. To take away the ammo of somebody ever calling my fat if they get upset wiht me. Such as my sometimes rude brother.

34. To walk totally confidently through restaraunts, bars, malls, everywhere and not feel like people are jusdging my weight.

35. For people not to judge my character before they know me based on my size.

36. I want to get involved in maybe some fun co-ed sports and not worry about dragging my team down.

37. I want to never let my weight effect my career or my dreams.

38. I want to never be judged by what I order in a restaraunt.

39. I want to wear sizes without X's in them.

38. I want to try out for game shows and not think that they would never pick me because I am too fat. Let's win some money. haha.

39. I want to never think that yes I want to do something, but tell people I don't because of how I am afraid my weight will effect me doing it.

40. I want to have high standards for everything and everyone.

41. I want to be in photos comfortably without having to do the things that make me look less fat or always stand behind somebody or hold something in front of my body to block my rolls.

42. I want to never hear that i "have such a pretty face" but that I am just hot all over.

43. I want to feel sexy in anything I wear.

44. When I get married I want there to be tons of sexual chemistry, not just that my husband looked past my body and saw my great personality.

45. I want to kiss a few boys that I never had the nerve to kiss and then leave them in my dust.

46. I want to dance freely and not care if people watch me.

47. I want to have not even the slightest hint of cankles.

48. I want to be bold with life, with men, with my dreams.

49. I want high heels not to kill my feet and to not always have to find wide shoes.

50. I want the people who work in skinny girl shops never to wonder why I am looking at the clothes.

51. I want my stomach to never touch the table when I sit in a booth.

52. I want to sit on the floor comfortably and not have my legs fall asleep.

52. I want to go on trips that involve being in bathing suits like the beach or a cruise.

53. When I have kids I never want them to be embarassed of me.

54. I want all shoes with ankle straps to fit and actually buckle.

55. I want to be able to get away with sexy halloween costumes instead of just funny ones.

56. I want to not lie when I tell people that I don't like to go to the beach when really I just don't want to be in a bathing suit.

57. I want the flirt that I secretly am in my mind to come out.

58. I want to ride one of those mechnical bulls as I have always thought that looked fun but I felt insecure of my size.

59. I want to feel small compared to a big strong man.

60. I want to turn heads and for a positive reasons.

61. I want to fit into designer clothes and splurge on myself every once in a while for them.

62. I want to get rid of my clothes as I lose weight and know that I will never be that big again.

63. I want to break the cycle of obesity and not pass it on when I have kids.

64. I want to travel places that require a lot of walking like going up and down stairs or hiking instead of avoiding that.

65. I want to be FREE!!!!!!!!!!!

The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow...Betcha Bottom Dollar that Tomorrow...

2008-03-27T11:02:00.000-07:00

So the new me starts now......Molly Version 2.0. I just got my surgery date yesterday for 2 months from now, but Dr.B says if I get my pre-tests done soon that maybe it can be earlier. My pre-tests are scheduled for monday morning so I am on my way to doing this and I am so excited that I can hardly stand it. I am the type of person who may take a while to decide, but once I do I am like Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. "I want it now."

A little back story on me:
I am 26 soon to be 27 in June. In fact I will most likely be on a liquid diet during my birthday. I have probably been overweight since I was 11 or 12. So basically I have never known a life where I was thin. I am hoping to get down to a healthy weight and to be able to live my life to the fullest. I feel like God has blessed me with so many great things in my life and I want to grab hold of all of those things to the greatest extent. I feel great peace about the surgery and I finally see the light at the end of this tunnel of this lifelong struggle for me. I know it won't be easy, but I am ready to do it!!!!